Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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