I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
