Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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