How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
