I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
