Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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