he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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