you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
