And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
