Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
