I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
