Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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