Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
