A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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