I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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