i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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