Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
