I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
