I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
