If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just googled if crying burns calories
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
