Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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