so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
