Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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