Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
