This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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