The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
