Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I am mentally ready for anal.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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