every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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