we have pet lesbian snakes
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I need to stop coming to work sober
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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