Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The air was thick with penises
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
