So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
