I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Randomize
