I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
