I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
