yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
