my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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