I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
