You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think I have vodka in my lungs
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Randomize
