I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
