I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
