Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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