It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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