I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
