come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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