She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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