just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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