Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
this must be what syphilis tastes like
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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