make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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