mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
