where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
